Welcome, to our year of light, of continuity, of amazing blazing glory.
Things can only get better.
Have you ever been in that position where it felt like you have found that one person who means much more than a lot to you?
Have you ever thought of yourself as "in love?"
Like there couldn't possibly be anywhere you'd wanna be in the universe except in the arms of your loved one?
He spoils you silly with love and you feel like, before you, after you, beyond you, nothing else matters, just you.
And then all of a sudden --- you find yourself soliloquizing in the lines below;
How can someone who had all the time in the world for you suddenly become busy, emotionally distant and unloveable?
Somehow, you know the individual doesn't despise you, but as is obvious, their action(s) doesn't quite measure up.
Now, there are two things involved here:-
Either that person has become plain disinterested in you and is actually giving you the green light to move on with your life
or
Maybe, just maybe, it's about time you pursued them too; maybe it's time you loved up on them - more.
So, I want to make a proposal. As we all know --- life is a teacher, and like Jim Palmer would say - "there's twice as much we don't know than we do know."
Granted, I'm yet to get past my "confuzzlement" as to why the male folk especially, lead ladies on to a certain extent only to turn them into bundles of insecurity, all the same:-
My proposal goes thus:-
- I'd like for us to re-adjust our definition of love.
- Let's operate from this base of understanding that beyond the frills and thrills, underlying and over the top excitement; Love Is A Decision.
- It's about time we turned on our humanity towards our partner.
Loving and our emotions are something else, simply out of this world. I've heard people reduce love to chemical equations and mere release of hormones into the human brain and all I literally do is just shake my head. Some, have even tried to calculate love by overly using their brain, in a bid to avoid being friendzoned or outrightly fooled.
In my sojourn though, I've found that you'll fall for whom you'll fall for and you'll get bored if you'll get bored.
We could do without overly "mathematicalizing" love.
Ultimately, let's get proactive.
When the boredom comes; oh trust me, it will.
- Let's operate from this base of understanding that beyond the frills and thrills, underlying and over the top excitement; Love Is A Decision.
- It's about time we turned on our humanity towards our partner.
Loving and our emotions are something else, simply out of this world. I've heard people reduce love to chemical equations and mere release of hormones into the human brain and all I literally do is just shake my head. Some, have even tried to calculate love by overly using their brain, in a bid to avoid being friendzoned or outrightly fooled.
In my sojourn though, I've found that you'll fall for whom you'll fall for and you'll get bored if you'll get bored.
We could do without overly "mathematicalizing" love.
Ultimately, let's get proactive.
When the boredom comes; oh trust me, it will.
When the attraction becomes less; When there's absolutely little or nothing to talk about;
What measures do we take to spark it all up again?
This would normally require us going beyond ourselves, and ego, maybe. But with the right person, it's worth it, I think.
What measures do we take to spark it all up again?
This would normally require us going beyond ourselves, and ego, maybe. But with the right person, it's worth it, I think.
If he doesn't call you, as usual, call him.
If he fails to say I love you and those sweet nothings you like to hear, say it to him.
If he doesn't ask about your loved ones, your family, your career and your circumstances ask about his.
If he doesn't buy you those thoughtful gifts anymore like he used to, please go out of your way and get some for him.
If you really love that guy, if you think he is worth it, despite his below-par performance, love up on your man, love him, not because you are desperate - no, no; not as a means to manipulate him into doing your biddings mbanu (no), let your actions towards him flow from a pure heart, as much as you can, give your best into the relationship without expecting so much.
"But Adannaya, what if he doesn't reciprocate, what if I genuinely get tired and I just need to break it off with him"
^^^ Always follow your heart, be sure you're being guided by your inner light --- by that feeling that's real, deep inside you.
Remember, patience is a virtue and there's really nothing like certainty in a relationship that is built to last.
To the guys reading this, a friend shared this text with me as shared by Kanye West via his twitter account --- you might be inspired :)
“Sometimes, what a girl does is push the guy away to see if he’ll still come back to her to test how much he actually wants to be with her. So be the guy who will call her back when she hangs up on you out of frustration. Be the guy who will chase after her when she walks away from you out of anger. Be the guy who will comfort her when she’s too stubborn to tell you what’s wrong. Be the guy to reassure her when she’s jealous that the other girl means nothing. Be the guy who will fight for her when she’s too afraid to stay in the relationship. Be the guy who will prove to her that she’s able to trust someone again. When she feels certain you’re the one, that’s when she’ll stop pushing.”
To my exceptional readers;
If you're inspired by this write-up, please share with your friends, and as always, your comments are most welcome :)
You're an inspirational speaker to be reckoned with. Nice writup!! .
ReplyDelete.
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In 2015, "DARE to be Different"
Thanks You.
DeleteI appreciate your kind words.
am actually going thru dat now.i can totally relate to ur writeup.ds days i dnt feel am in a relationshp;am tikn of breakn t off bt i rly love him.am d melancholy,shy nd emotional type...anytym i express or say wat i dnt like anymore...he is vezi gud@countering it.i give up.i totally give up
DeleteHmmmmm
DeleteI'm interested in your story dear.
What do you think, what are your thoughts about him? Despite his treating you shabbily, do you still think of him as worth it? Do you have faith in your relationship, no matter how little? Let's talk Bae.
love is magical. - Michael Jackson
ReplyDeleteYou have such an interesting blog. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading your posts. All the best for your future blogging journey.
ReplyDeleteI am encouraged. Thank You! I wish you the best too in your sojourns. Please come around more oft.
DeleteKoli boss..... This is great!
ReplyDeleteWell, I believe if the feelings are mutual, the efforts will be equal.......
So no lady should be constantly begging for care and attention from her man! If it gets there, then its time to move on! Sometimes, we've got to let go of the good in order to have the better.
Maybe I'm selfish. I'm still smarting from a breakup sha.
My dear, I used to be of this school of thought until life and love happened to me.
ReplyDeleteLetting go of the good in order to have the better is good, but then I've observed than more oft than not, we make this decision because the guys fail to cater to our neediness and emptiness through attention and approval.
Maybe it's high time we stopped rejecting and abandoning ourselves, especially emotionally, looking for another to take care of us.
More oft, we look to them guys to give us security, be it financial, or emotional, we depend on their validation......when these come in short supply, all hell is let loose, they become monsters, they become fake asses.
This is not me making a case for the guys, because like I said in the main article, this is an issue of great confuzzlement. I still don't understand why!
Perhaps if we take time and patience to nurture our relationships, if we set out with the notion that the job isn't CHIEFLY his, we might avoid several pitfalls of failed relationships and have to ourselves a friend for life.
After all is said and done. The onus lies on the reader of this article. Wisdom is always profitable to direct. Sometimes, a little more patience could be the "IT" factor.
Remember, do all these, only if you think He is WORTH IT.
Mizmycoli darling, I'm sure you already know who this is lol. Yes it's good to give love when you aren't receiving it but the question here is what are the true intentions of the one not reciprocating? Is he/she too busy to love back but genuinely loves and cares? Or is he/she just ready to move on and you've become an untold inconvenience?
ReplyDeleteIt's good to lose yourself to the right person, I'm of the opinion that the perfect relationship involves two people who are ready to lose themselves for love, paving the way to seeing each other albeit imperfect, perfectly.
Ladies, if you are in a relationship where you are doing all the loving and you know in your heart that your man has given you all the red flags that his so called love for you is fleeting, please pick up what's left of your dignity and walk.
If you have to chase that person, beg for their love or attention and he's not doing what he can to fix it then he's not yours, please wait for yours. Just like cinderella and her glass slipper, the right one for you will fit perfectly.
Another interesting angle.
Delete"IF YOU HAVE TO CHASE THAT PERSON, BEG FOR THEIR LOVE OR ATTENTION AND HE'S NOT DOING WHAT HE CAN TO FIX IT, THEN HE'S NOT YOURS"
You took the words right out of my mouth, for lack of better expression.
Exactly! my dear. "What are the intentions of the one not reciprocating? Is he too busy to love back but genuinely loves and cares?"
^^^ There ladies, if that's what you think of your man, then by all means --- hold on.
Tenks :)
keep it up. Glad my "pls don't go" made u stay. God is taking u somewhere. Love your work.
ReplyDeletep.s: Your Biggest Fan!
Delete*grinning from ear to ear*
Thank You!
Wait, are you who I'm suspecting you are? ???
Adannaya aka mizmycoli life and love.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. You know I believe this writeup appeals more to the female folks. I was in a relationship with one. I had never been broken before. Infact, so in love that I had to ask her if it was the right thing to fall in love her answer gave me hope. I could literally go to the moon for her. What I had never done before I do it like it's nothing. I put her first always but she's been cheating. I got to know!! She apologised, we continued she cheated again. My ego was bruised I cried I failed exams. I actually thought she was the one but right now, I might not be sorry to say I already gave up on love
True that, It's actually an appeal.
DeleteYou see, I would that we stop loving and giving based on how people treat us.
It actually takes a braveheart and an emotionally strong person to love again despite being burnt.
Love is a value, an intangible one. Love people because you accept them, because it's who you are and you don't know how to be any less.
Choose to love people and show them compassion (romantic partner inclusive) because there's no better means we know of at the moment to living an all round fulfilled life. Let your love flow form a position of self-acceptance; of self love.
And then always apply wisdom, it is profitable to direct.
Nice write up, I'm not surprised, You have it in you...You have an army.
ReplyDelete#KissKiss
DeleteThank You!
I kinda disagree with most of what's written up there. As inspiring as this write-up may sound, it could as well be deceptive. What's the gain in chasing after a relationship that is dead? What's the deal in pursuing a guy's heart who has already given up on the relationship? If a lady should adopt these steps written here, she simply risks losing her dignity even further.
ReplyDeleteJust as an example, I know of a guy who wouldn't let go of a lady whom he loved so much. She had clearly given up on the relationship for reasons best known to her, but the guy never did. He continued to hold on to the last straws on which the relationship hung. He would call multiple times; when the girl doesn't answer his calls, she'd pass the phone to her friends to tell him off. One thing the guy didn't even know was that he was constantly the butt of jokes among the girl's friends. He pretty much rendered himself undateable to all the girls in that circle with his actions. Shouldn't he gave given up to start with?
It's good to want to give a relationship one's best. That's totally fair. At the same time, it's only wise to detect and rightly act upon any indications that a relationship is at its dead end. Conducting a wild goose chase can never bring any benefits to the parties involved, especially to the one who is at the giving end.
Thanks for your contribution, I understand if you disagree.
DeleteI made it clear from the get go; there are two things involved.
This writeup is directed to those who find that their lovers genuinely love them, but for one reason or another, cannot reciprocate like they used to.
Wisdom is always profitable to direct. Trust me I have been on both sides of the divide. The world is changing rapidly, perceptions are changing.
I have loved a guy like Mrs foolish and had to call it off ultimately and I am learning to love like Mrs foolish again! Lolz. Wish I could say more, but bottom line is, I am happy.
Wisdom is always profitable to direct. Sometimes all we need is a little more effort and patience, if it doesn't work, we will know, deep inside that we have tried our best.
Going by the instance you gave, I think we're on the same page. No sensible person should remain in such relationship.
Like my friend said --- "Applying these principles with the wrong person is worse than boko haram itself"
As touching how you'll know the wrong or right person; YOU'LL JUST KNOW.
The spirit in you gives you understanding.
Perhaps the reason I'm promoting this article is because I've tried it, it worked.
At the same time, you should realize that because you've tried it for yourself and it worked for yourself doesn't mean that it works as a general rule. That'd be jumping across a large, intractable gulf to an unpleasant conclusion. I agree with you that you've found it to work for you. However, i disagree that it should work for everyone else irrespective of background and temperament.
DeleteConcerning "you'll just know", I think it's in order to say that's inconclusive. Highly impractical advice I should say.
Please note, I'm only critical of your piece and not of your person.
DeleteBut I haven't labelled it as law, infact, I made it clear it's a proposal --- more like, "Let's try and do things differently"
I also talked about my not knowing it all, life is a teacher and there is twice as much we don't know than we do know.
Irrespective of our different personalities and temperaments, I am well aware that as human beings, we are well capable of Love and Understanding and Patience.
These virtues shouldn't be peculiar to a particular temperament.
Yes, we want to see ourselves as realists, other than wishful, happy go lucky banders, but whether we allude to it or not, we still crave for the ideal, and in my opinion, it's a very honorable thing to do.
No reality is absolute. Realities are largely subjective.
I'm an Op-Ed blogger, I believe there are people out there who share my thoughts on this but haven't been quite able to capture it in an expressionable form.
I've heard couples and people who succeded on a particular path use this phrase; "I just knew, somehow, I knew it was the right thing to do, I knew she was the right person for me"........there's a knowing that comes from the seat of our intuition, which of course is guided by certain factors.
The man who "just knew" she was the right woman for him must have guaged the woman, did a subconscious comparative analysis of sorts, before arriving at his conclusion.
I am convinced that irrespective of our religious/unreligious paths - there is a spirit in us all, that guides us on what to do and what not to do, the path to follow and that not to tow --- if only we listen to our deepest feelings, if only we search.
Contrary to what you think, I learned this principle recently, from my best friend. I used to think of my self as a lover till I met her.
I used to be of the opinion that the moment a guy starts misbehaving, then it's time to change hands. But I'm learning to be deliberate, to put myself in the shoes of the other.
I am learning how to stoop to conquer (please don't take this out of context).
I will do all these with someone I am deeply convinced is worth it, and if in the end (emphasis on if), he utterly disappoints, I would have learned a lesson for life, become a better lover and actually improve(d) a great deal on self, especially as it pertains relating with others.
I encourage people to love their partners, bearing in mind that it's chiefly NOT ABOUT what their partner can offer them, but because it's who they are, it's their tradition.
You can never go wrong living a life of love and compassion (with wisdom & understanding).
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOf a truth, the pen is realy dripping. The frequency can be increased cos the world is listening. Good job though.
ReplyDeleteHmmm.
ReplyDeleteThis was me years ago, it seemed like he wasn't reciprocating my love (enough).
Little did I know he wanted me to push beyond my limits...he wanted me to do something extraordinary to show I really love him.
No, I wasn't desperate.
Yes, I had to push beyong my laid down love up limit.
Yes, it worked...it worked because he was/is my man...the man for me.
In a nutshell, sometimes it's ideal we lay down our pride and love up our partner.
That's before giving up on the relationship - just as you succinctly stated.
Barbie!!!!
DeleteThis is actually inspiring and I want to believe you held on because you perceived him as someone WHO IS WORTH IT and not a douchebag.
Were there times you felt like giving up?
Were there times you flared up in anger (that's normal, imo)
How did you cope?
I really don't need a prophet to tell me it's not moi moi when as a lady you have to be the one, at a certain point in your relationship to love more?
Personally, I'd appreciate your delving a little deeper, if it's okay by you of course.
It wasn't beans nne.
DeleteI believe @ a every point in a relationship, we have the ability to discern if it's a propitious one or not.
I had that ability, I knew he was my man - I made up my mind to love him up.
He was good @giving me money, because he was of that school of thought that women are all about the money.
Yes, I love money...which human doesn't...lols...but, that wasn't my problem as @ then- I wanted my love to be reciprocated.
So many times - I got angry, so many times - I broke up, so many times- I cried. I didn't give up...I knew past experience was hindering his ability to love.
I just made up my mind __ "if after giving this relationship, my best shot - it ends up bad".
It would hurt, but I can eternlly have that fulfilment knowing I triedddd so hard.
Right now, he "worships" me...he is always thanking me for being patient...I moulded the man for me...my friends ask me how I did it.
I just pushed beyond my limit - gave the young man a reason to let out his love energy...lolz.
You know, some people's love up are "push to start"... they need reasons to love...but trust me ; once they pick up...you would beg them to reduce it.
Hey Miz... Write up is really nice. But my focus is on d tail end where u quoted Kanye. I'm a guy n I've been on my baby mama's matter for three years now and I think I'm ready to throw in d towel cuz it seems like it don't matter what I do, she ain't budging and I gotta be honest with u, I'm emotionally in d red.
ReplyDelete